Photo credit: BigStockPhoto/Sanatana2008
by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals
Self-Care! Get some rest. You’ve earned it.
Self-Care! Have another beer. You deserve it.
These kinds of admonitions and permissions sound innocuous—or even positive. But, subtly, they imply that we must earn self-care through merit or service. “De-serve” is embedded in to serve, which connotes that we merit our basic humanity by serving in some way. This “deserve self-care” conceptualization conveys that we must be “good” to earn it. Or, we somehow deserve and give permission to reward ourselves with being “bad.”
Self-Care—You don’t have to be good.
These (sometimes not so) subtle messages connote that a certain “goodness” must be achieved before we can allow ourselves basic human kindness.
In her famous poem, Wild Geese, Mary Oliver simply and beautifully asserts: “You do not have to be good…You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” Practicing self-care is an expression of love—for oneself. And, through expansive self-care, when we truly love/care for ourselves, that love extends into relationships and collective care.
Mary Oliver’s poetry is deeply attuned to nature. Her reference to “the soft animal of your body” is a stark and significant way of reminding us of our basic animal nature-self. As such creatures, we do not have to deserve rest, nurturance, and safety. These natural needs are to be acknowledged and allowed, not earned or deserved. Further, as her poem declares, “the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting…announcing your place in the family of things.”
As the world offers itself, imagine how you can practice self-care, not through de-serving it—by being good—but through claiming your natural birthright, your place in the “family of things.”
Self-Care—You don’t have to be bad.
How often to do you hear—including coming out of your own mouth—statements such as: “Whew! It’s been a hard week. I’m going to splurge in some self-care.” Or, more irritating for the receiver: “I know I committed to do ___________, but I decided to practice self-care instead.”
On the surface, these expressions of “self-care” sound contradictory to the “be good enough” to deserve self-care. But, they’re two sides of the same coin. In these expressions—good and bad—self-care is viewed as an extra, not an essential. It’s a temporary splurge, not a sustained lifestyle.
With “permission to be bad” self-care, oftentimes, self-care is framed as luxuries we can’t afford or as a form of privilege that makes us somehow selfish. This bad self-care leads to habits that harm, rather than help. This concept of “self-care” is used as permission for actions that indulge lack of accountability. Oftentimes, this framing of self-care leads to pernicious practices that self-sabotage, rather than contribute to well-being.
In what ways do you fall into framing self-care as “bad”? Be intentional about reframing self-care in a more neutral, essential way. Self-care is an integrated lifestyle, not guilty splurges. It’s habits that support well-being, not erode it. It’s a way of constructively fulfilling realistic expectations, not avoiding them.
Self-Care—You just have to Be human.
When self-care is conveyed as reward for being good and/or as permission to be bad, we erode its essence. We do not need to be good; we do not need to be bad. In caring for self, we simply and powerfully re-claim the essence of being human.
Here’s an important caveat. Expansive, wholistic self-care includes some aspects that—especially through commodification—have been wrongly characterized as “bad.” Sometimes “Bad” self-care is actually good for us. These aspects of self-care can form the foundation for deeper self-care and, in and of themselves, are valid.
I’ve articulated how the often-used metaphor of self-care as a mask is problematic. This metaphor illustrates the “de-serve” conceptualization of self-care. That is, we deserve putting on the mask of self-care only when in crisis (plane crashing) and, presumably, in order to help others.
Instead, we need to view self-care as Breath. Self-care is anything we need as humans to breathe fully and freely. We don’t have to deserve our breath by being good or bad. We just (re)claim it as our basic, fundamental (birth)right to Be human.
Peace, Love, & Self-Care
Erlene
Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC. This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals. As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!