by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals
Wish Want Will
I wish I could practice self-care,…but…
This wishing sentiment is often a significant aspect of a self-care journey. I wish sounds like a positive thing, right? Yet, actually, I’ve noticed—in my own and others’ self-care journeys—I wish often becomes a “but” barrier. It morphs into an obstacle of impossibility.
Well, We Have A Way: Delve Deeper
Then, we’re left at the wishing well, thirsting for better well-being. Without the wherewithal to dip deeply into the well, our self-care seems out of reach. That is, we’re so overwhelmed by the big wish of self-care, we can’t delve beyond it to access a well of self-care.
I’ve learned in order to move from the big “I Wish,” I must drill down into what “I Want” and then go even deeper into the “I Will.” I offer this drilling process to help us find a well way to self-care. Because, to paraphrase an old adage: “Where there’s a will, there’s a well way.” (Wink!)
Below, I use some examples to show what I mean. Will you delve deeper into the well with me?
From “I Wish” to “I Want” to “I Will”
I wish I’d be a morning person. For years, I felt discouraged by “failing” to fulfill a wish that I should become a morning person. The co-dependent companion of “I wish” is “I should.” As I articulated in a previous post, “Shoulding” on our self-care is another significant self-defeating approach to self-care.
But, as I reflect(ed) on what I really want, it’s not necessarily to be a morning person, but rather to experience some of the benefits often attributed to being a morning person. This reflection moves me to consider what I will do. I will get a good night’s sleep; make the bed; and prioritize reflection, focus, and movement early in my day (albeit, not that early!).
I wish I’d be a fitness paragon. As the saying goes: If wishes were horses, we’d all be gym rats (or something like that! 😊). A significant turning point was—through reflection--changing my (unconscious) belief/wish that I should be athletic to realizing I want to be more active, because I experience the benefits and find “being active” an attainable goal. I don’t really want to be a gym rat; but, I will routinely do yoga and walk. I no longer wish for ideal athleticism. I want to be good enough with physical activity and will continue to routinely pursue that aim.
Oftentimes, our wishes are externalized; they rely on (blame) some outside force. Two common examples: I wish I had more time. I wish people would respect my boundaries. Here’s an example for moving these wishes to a more internal locus of control, and thus more successful self-care: I want to have more family time; I will quit volunteering to work overtime when we’re short-staffed. I will schedule a weekly family dinner on my calendar.
What’s your wish? How can you delve deeper to discover your wants and then identify what you will do?
Making A Well Way to Self-Care
This year, I’m revisiting a resource from my self-care library, This Year I Will…How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution, or Make a Dream Come True. The author, M.J. Ryan, emphasizes we’re more likely to commit to what we really want because it’s rooted in what actually matters to us—i.e., what we truly value. “Values” is the “V” entry in The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook. Too often, wishes come from a “shoulding” external expectation. Our wants come from a deeper values place. And, because of that depth, we will be more likely to prioritize self-care commitments aligned with that way.
This ongoing blog offers a well-th of resources to show the way to move from “I Wish” to “I Want” to “I Will.” Here are three to get started. First, be SMART! Identifying what you want and will do is integrally related to forming a SMART self-care plan. Then, successfully sustaining what you will do involves establishing healthy habits. And, Start NOW! Don’t wish for an ideal time to start.
I do wish you well. So, start now. Delve into what you want and where you will start the self-care way!
Peace, Love, & Self-Care, Erlene
Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC. This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals. As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!