by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals
April is National Garden Month. In The A-Z Self-Care Handbook, Wade Drury uses a garden metaphor in discussing “R”elationships. Building on Wade’s wisdom, here are three tips for tending a self-care garden.
Don’t Mistake a Snake for a Water Hose
Watering a Garden
Wade identifies relationships as gnomes, weeds, and roses. Gnomes are nice but undependable. Weeds are to be avoided or weeded out. And, Wade advises nurturing relationships with roses.
But, Wade forgot the snakes. In life’s garden, “snakes” just exist. These people actively or passively (aggressively) cause harm. Oftentimes, they engage in direct bullying or bullying-by-proxy. They slither away when faced with difficulties or spew venom. In contrast, “water hoses” support colleagues and promote a just and fair environment. Snakes poison; hoses hydrate.
Here’s an illustrative scenario. “Maria” landed a dream job. She was thrilled about her supervisor, “Giselle,” an expert in the field, as a mentor. Quickly, Maria observed that Giselle yelled at staff, demanded perfection, and created tension. Over ensuing weeks, these initial experiences became devastatingly common, with Maria included as a target.
Maria asked for advice, as she really wanted to access the mentoring she’d anticipated. Acknowledging the unfairness and empathizing with her disappointment, I shared Maya Angelou’s sage self-care gem: “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Using the garden metaphor, I said, “The sooner you recognize a ‘snake,’ the better off you’ll be.” In the conversation, Maria had mentioned her new colleague, “Jamara,” who was experienced, helpful, and competent. I suggested, “Accept who Giselle is and seek mentoring with Jamara.” No negative judgment, just self-care observation: Snakes aren’t likely to support. Instead, seek out “water hoses” who do.
Tip #1: Don’t mistake a snake for a water hose. You’ll just keep getting bitten.
Learn to Plant Your Own Garden
“I’m always the strong one. The giver. But, no one is ever there for me.” Maybe you’re THAT person: The caring one who helps a colleague take a break, because you see they’re floundering. The strong one friends and family call on when they need a listening ear, advice, or support. The giver strangers open up to about their stories. You know how to be THAT person for others; self-care involves figuring out how to be THAT for yourself.
Continuing the garden metaphor, learn to plant your own garden. Be intentional about learning to give to yourself what you’re so good about giving others. Commit to being there for yourself. Simply start by regularly tending to your SELF. What do you need and want in this moment, circumstance…life! Notice when you begin to flounder, feel exhausted, and other indicators. Give yourself permission to take a break. Learn to listen to yourself; give yourself the supportive advice you provide others. Try journaling, creative expression, self-talk, or simply being with yourself in silence.
Being there for yourself doesn’t mean always going it alone. It also involves asking for help, which may include therapy. By practicing tip #1, you’ll have fewer snakes and weeds in your garden, which clears space for the water hoses and roses who will be there with you.
Tip #2: Be THAT person. Plant your own garden.
Don’t Wait Until You’re Hungry to Grow Your Garden
Too often, we wait until we’re out of “food” to realize how famished we are. We can’t expect to eat from a garden that’s never been tended. Likewise, as Hayden Dawes observes, “For others to eat, you are not required to starve.” Not tending our self-care gardens means we all go hungry. In contrast, by tending it, we can actually have more to share.
Like other gardens, self-care gardens require certain basics. They need seeds, hydration, nutrients, sunshine, weeding, dormant seasons, and time to grow. Self-care gardening requires attention, patience, expertise, and investment. The pleasure and produce of these efforts are worthwhile. Self-care gardens feed mind, body, and spirit.
In April, we also celebrate Arbor Day and Earth Day by planting trees. As the proverb goes, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago; the second-best time is now.”
Tip #3: Don’t wait. Start your self-care garden now!
True gardeners are always learning. What are your gardening tips? Let’s share a self-care cornucopia!
Peace, Love, & Self-Care, Erlene
Dr. Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC. This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals. As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!