Grand Rules for Self-Care
by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals
All I need to know about self-care I learned from my grandkids.
A significant part of my self-care is Grand Time. My partner and I have four rules with our Heart-Grands:
- No hitting.
- No whining.
- Be kind.
- Have fun.
Actually, these rules encapsulate a joyful, meaningful life of connection, contribution, and contentment. As such, they’re excellent self-care rules. Here’s what I mean.
1. No Hitting
A beginning rule for self-care is to avoid harm…for others certainly, and for ourselves. Sometimes avoiding self-harm means proactively addressing physically harmful behaviors—which often engages therapy as a self-care strategy. In other instances, even if we don’t physically hurt ourselves, too often we “hit” ourselves through hurtful self-talk. And, sometimes that “hitting” is projected onto others. The Grand Rule of “No Hitting” is basic self-care.
Grand Self-Care Strategy #1. Notice those behaviors/beliefs that are essentially “hitting” yourself with negativity, harm, abuse, self-abnegation. These behaviors/beliefs may be subtle and so routine that you no longer notice them. You may need to engage steps, such as journaling, peer support, and/or therapy.
2. No Whining
A second rule for self-care is to address internalized helplessness that frequently presents in some form of “whining.” To be crystal-clear: I’m not talking about healthy venting, helpful processing, and proactive problem-solving. These are crucial aspects of self-care. I’m talking about self-defeating complaining about circumstances in a disempowering way that reinforces internalized helplessness and externalized blame.
Grand Self-Care Strategy #2. Again, pay attention to when you’re whining—it’s usually when you’re externalizing blame onto someone else or outer circumstances. Yes. Life is unfair; systems are unjust; people can be crummy. But, in self-care that empowers you to deal with these realities, delete blame from your vocabulary. It’s a self-defeating, destructive concept. Instead, focus on responsibility and agency. What aspects do you have most control/impact/agency? What is your responsibility in this situation? (Hint: Start with Rule #1.) How can you most effectively hold others accountable for their responsibility (i.e., not projecting blame, rather ensuring accountability)?
3. Be Kind
A third rule is really the heart of self-care: self-compassion—which is being kind to oneself. Dr. Kristen Neff delineates three facets of self-compassion: (a) self-kindness vs. self-judgment, (b) common humanity vs. isolation, and (c) mindfulness vs. over-identification. That is, self-compassion involves replacing our normative tendency to be self-critical and judgmental with being gentle and understanding toward ourselves. Also, self-compassion involves active reflection on one’s connection with others through our shared human experience—as contrasted with feeling isolated and alienated. And, finally, self-compassion involves mindful attentiveness to our experiences. In particular, we acknowledge pain and suffering as part of the human experience, along with joy and goodness.
Grand Self-Care Strategy #3. Ask yourself routinely: “What do I need, want, dream?” How can I attend to those, with compassion? How can I be kind to myself in this moment, situation, circumstance? Begin to integrate kindness into your daily life. When your body needs rest, allow it. When your spirit wants connection, seek it. When your mind dreams visions, nurture it. Be kind.
4. Have Fun
Rule #4 may be the most neglected aspect of self-care. Actually, Grand-Advanced self-care can be distilled to Rules #3 & 4. No hitting can be folded into “Be Kind.” When having fun, whining becomes obsolete.
I define “fun” very broadly. It’s creativity, leisure, flow, passion, play...and so much more. “Fun” isn’t some ancillary activity to add into frenetic schedules; it’s a “Fun”damental self-care attitude.
The world’s a mess; we do important work; we bear incredible responsibilities. But, too often, we take life too seriously, especially in our work. As researchers, such as Katy Milkman, report, adding fun to onerous tasks and difficult situations engenders creativity, connection, productivity, and satisfaction. Fun is important stuff! As Oscar Wilde said, “Life is too important to be taken (so) seriously.”
Grand Self-Care Strategy #4: What can you Fun-damentally change/adapt/do/not do to make life more playful, engage creativity, incorporate leisure, allow flow time, pursue passions? Start small, AND think big. Make this rule a Fun-damental self-care strategy.
Grand time reminds me that life is lived in the present. Start self-care NOW with these Grand self-care rules. I guarantee, life will be imperfect, complicated, and Grand!
Peace, Love, and Self-Care, Erlene
Dr. Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC. This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals. As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!