Self-Care A-Z: Maybe It's Me?

by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals 

“I burned out at my last job and took a new position I thought would be low stress. But, 6 months later, I’m feeling overwhelmed again and starting to burn out...Maybe it’s me?”

     This insight—Maybe it’s me—can be painful. It’s critical that we don’t internalize it as blame and shame. Explored compassionately, though, this insight can be empowering.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

     When my friend “Nathalie” shared her “Maybe it’s me,” I said:

You’re competent, committed, and compassionate. Those are the people who burn out...because no matter where they are, they’re the ones people say, “Let’s get Nathalie to do that! She’s awesome!”

     So, the “Nathalies” take it all on. Because they care! Yes, they care. They just don’t care enough (yet) about their self. Nor, do they unequivocally prioritize developing competence in self-care essential for sustaining commitments.

     Emphatically, larger systems can be incredibly toxic. They must be held accountable. And, a powerful common denominator in life—personally and professionally—is the Zen adage: Wherever you go, there you are.

Self-Care Is Being There for Yourself

     Asking the empowering question, “Maybe it’s me?” leads to asking better questions. Here are some of mine.  What would you add?

How do I balance caring for others and myself?

     Early in my career, a dear co-worker taught me a valuable lesson. “Alice” was always overwhelmed. I’d offer, “Let me take something off your plate. I’ll do X.” But, I began noticing: I’d take something off Alice’s plate, and she’d quickly add more! “Alice” was addicted to crisis as a way of life. I could choose to be pulled into this cycle—contributing to my overwhelm—or set boundaries.

     I continued to care about Alice and began to recognize how to care for myself. Healthy relationships balance connections and boundaries.

Am I aiding or enabling?

     Alice’s story illustrates this aiding versus enabling distinction. “Stella’s” story further encapsulates these dynamics. One of my mentees, Stella, reported, “In a team meeting, my supervisor asked for someone to cover a weekend shift. No one volunteered. So, I had to do it.” I asked, “Hmmm, what would’ve happened if you had stayed silent?” With a startled expression, Stella said, “Well, I guess my supervisor would’ve had to figure it out.” “Exactly,” I emphasized! I gently elaborated how Stella’s volunteering likely enabled a dysfunctional system and contributed to her own burnout.

     Our competence, caring, and commitment can sometimes turn into unhealthy need complex. That is, we believe the work—and world!—need us so much that we neglect ourselves. When present to ourselves—which includes helpful consultation and support—we can better distinguish whether we’re aiding a healthy solution or enabling a harmful situation.

What’s my “Response-ability?”

     The previous questions lead to asking this question. In an important shift, Glennon Doyle reframes “responsibility” as “response-ability.” She clarifies that, responding in healthy, effective ways means having the ability to do so, which requires taking care of oneself.

     This self-care includes having clarity about the parameters of (professional and personal) roles. Is X really my responsibility? Self-care includes power analyses. For instance, I learned that sometimes “colleagues” were happy for me to step up in difficult situations; however, that sometimes resulted in my being isolated, scapegoated, or otherwise harmed. (Sometimes worth it!) In instances like these, a power analysis asks: What’s my response-ability?

     Self-care is being response-able, which requires being there for oneself.

Pay Attention to Your Own Path

     Recently, traversing an incline on a hiking trail, my partner and I encountered several kids scampering down the rocky, root-studded terrain. Behind them, an adult called out, “Slow down, please.” Distracted, she stumbled over a large protrusion, coming close to a dangerous fall. Meanwhile, unperturbed, the kids dashed ahead.

     This incident engenders a self-care metaphor. Inattentive to her own path, the woman almost came to serious harm. Self-care involves giving consistent attention to one’s own path. It’s not contrary to being there for others. Rather, it’s necessary for it. In paying attention to our own path, we more readily recognize factors contributing to sustained well-being, as well as stumbling blocks.

   Maybe it’s me! Self-care means paying attention to my path and being there for my-self with competence, commitment, and compassion.

Peace, Love, and Self-Care, Erlene

Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC.  This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals.  As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!