Self-Care A-Z: Grief as Self-Care

by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, and Tammy Quetot, MSW, LSW

Grieving is a way of self-care. –Rachel Naomi Remen

     COVID-19 amplifies that grief is a crucial cultural consideration and self-care concern.  David Kessler, in Finding Meaning—The Sixth Stage of Grief, writes, “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint.” Here, we offer Acknowledgment, Intentionality, and Meaning-Making as an overarching guide for individualized adaptation in grief as self-care.

Acknowledge Grief and Loss

     Rachel Naomi Remen’s Kitchen Table Wisdom—Stories that Heal weaves her personal journey, including coping with life-long chronic illness, with stories of those she meets in her medical practice. Her essay on grief as self-care (titled “Professionals Don’t Cry”) reverberates deeply.

     Remen declares, “Protecting ourselves from loss rather than grieving and healing our losses is one of the major causes of burnout.” Social workers navigate loss in myriad forms. In some roles, we regularly encounter illness, violence, death. Regardless of context, social workers traverse the fullness of humanity, including loss and grief. We experience loss of clients through death or ending services. Even positive terminations can engender loss.

     Also, grief stems from loss of ideals, such as disappointment in expectations eroded and hopes shattered. Grief comes from value dissonance, when inculcated values clash with organizational dysfunction and professional hypocrisy. Unattended, Remen observes, “We burn out because…our hearts become so filled with loss we have not room left to care.” Allowing our hearts to acknowledge grief and loss is essential self-care.

Give Intentional Attention

     Expressing our grief through emoting, journaling, talking, rituals, physical expressions, and other measures is important self-care. A few years ago, I (Erlene) was in an increasingly toxic workplace. I kept trying to do more to make it better—not a bad thing, usually. But, in retrospect, I was in denial. One wintry February evening, I was home alone and feeling “under the weather.” My body was saying: Slow down. Lying silently in darkness, grief—although I didn’t immediately identify it as such—flooded me.

     Weeping, I reflected honestly on the loss of my dreams for the ideals of my work there. With soggy tissues and scribbled notes, I (re)cycled through phases of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness. I allowed myself to acknowledge and intentionally express them. Whew! Catharsis ain’t easy. After assuring my partner, who called to say good night, that my grief was necessary, I slept deeply. The next day, I had a new acceptance (another grief stage) of my situation, which freed energy for moving forward and reinforced conviction to practice self-care. I resolved to be motivated by principles and purpose rather than place or position.

     Like most complex forms of self-care, our culture—including professional culture—gives negligible attention to the value and necessity of grief. Thus, we must be intentional in attending to grief. Kessler says, “It’s your job to honor your own grief. No one else can ever understand it.” Yet, grief as self-care isn’t only solitary. Self-care includes identifying resources and accepting personal and professional help as needed.  Communal mourning and connected witnessing are critical aspects of grief. Kessler accessed grief therapy when his son died.

     I (Tammy) worked for years with families of fallen soldiers. As a military family, we moved frequently; also, I had significant family losses. I experienced burnout. When I realized I couldn’t handle my grief alone, and sought therapy, I began to heal, personally and professionally.

Make Meaning

     Acknowledging the impact of grief and loss in professional burnout is a crucial first step. Then, intentional attention to one’s own grief is paramount. Meaning-making is a third element.

     Kessler, building on the work of his mentor Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, recently identified a crucial sixth stage to add to the long-standing five stages of grief: Finding Meaning. He asserts this sixth stage requires the fifth stage of acceptance. Notably, these stages are interactive and descriptive, not sequential or prescriptive.

     In their writings, Remen and Kessler make meaning of their stories and others. They provide insight and model the difficult, powerful story of universal grief. In our own grief stories shared earlier, accepting and giving intentional attention to grief leads to (re)storying with sustained meaning.

     As with any self-care, grief is an individualized process, never completed. Because “our hearts are so full,” let’s practice self-care by acknowledging, intentionally attending to, and making meaning of our grief.

Dr. Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC.  This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals.  As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!

Tammy Quetot, MSW, LSW, is a social worker and thanatologist. She owns Companion Through Grief, LLC.