Solitude
by Toya Gatewood, MSW, CSW, LCADC
Mere days after acting on a major decision in my life, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. I found myself living alone, working from home, in quarantine. As I hustled around, making sure I had everything needed for my new home, the seriousness of COVID-19 began closing access to resources in our communities.
Crises Compounded
I thought, “This is a really mean joke the Universe is playing on me!” But I took some deep breaths and used my planner skills to evaluate what needed to get done. At that point, I had an almost empty apartment and felt out-of-sync with everything in life. Trying to balance all these challenges, thoughts raced through my head. I have to get groceries, supplies, washer, dryer…and deal with a global pandemic! I’m also the manager at my agency, which meant I was tasked with getting everyone transitioned to working from home. So, in addition to my personal crisis, I was responsible for helping staff (and clients) navigate their crises within the COVID-19 crisis.
I went into “auto pilot." The first couple of weeks seemed to just float by, as if I wasn’t present at all. Most mornings, I woke up early, took out my new puppy Bella, and came back into the apartment—beginning another blur-day.
Stopping a Second, Taking a Mindful Moment: Self-Care Resurges!
Then, one day I simply stopped and sat down just for a second. I looked around at my new apartment and realized that things had come together. I had everything I needed. Evening came, and I decided to look through a book-journal gift from a friend, seeking something to spark me. This journal focused on mindfulness. I said, “Mindful, huh! Maybe that’s my spark!” I wondered, “How can I be more intentional about how I am living and experiencing life?"
In that moment, I decided to stop allowing my “brokenness” to manifest itself, destroying my self-care. It was time to reconstruct. Over my years of practice and in my personal life, I’ve invested in learning how to practice self-care. But clearly, I needed a self-care resurgence! What is resurgence? When you stop taking care of yourself for a period of time, your self-care goes dormant. Stopping to pay attention, I realized that had happened to me. I knew my self-care regimen must undergo radical resurgence: Rebirth, recovery, revival, reclaiming!
My self-care resurgence started with small mindful steps, like playing a “get up” song every morning. I sang along to “Lovely Day” by Bill Withers every day for several weeks, because it spoke to my soul. I started taking daily walks, being mindful of my surroundings. I paused to savor the beauty of the grass and how green it was becoming. I really noticed the awakening buds on the trees, as they blossomed into the hope of spring and, then, emerged into the promise of summer. I listened more intently to the birds, as they offered free music into the open air.
Finding Solitude
I learned more about solitude. I was able to sit in my silence and be okay. I began to understand that silence is a gift that keeps on giving. I learned the joy of not filling that space with outside noise, others’ needs, distracting demands, or even internal critique. Instead, in that space, I learned to listen to my inner she-spirit. I learned to listen to who my true self was (becoming) and what my she-spirit needed to grow. I needed a light source in my darkness and, first, I needed to sit with myself in the darkness. Through music, journaling, mindful walks, and simply sitting in silence, I am nurturing my she-spirit back to health.
In this moment, I have an undying belief that I can accomplish anything. My spirit has a sense of peace and power. I empathize with everyone experiencing great loss in this COVID-19 crisis.
And I honor my own experience. This time of crisis didn’t take anything from me. It gave me everything I needed to breathe life into my self-care resurgence. I learned that being alone is not the same as being lonely. In my solitude, I’m learning to live my best life, with my self, and I love it!
Toya Gatewood
Toya Gatewood
Toya Gatewood, MSW, CSW, LCADC, is Clinical Manager of The Morton Center in Louisville, Kentucky. Toya has been working in the field of addiction services for the past 23 years, in administrative and clinical roles. In her leisure time, Toya enjoys riding horses, taking nature walks, and camping in the woods.