2018
by Dr. Danna Bodenheimer, LCSW, author of On Clinical Social Work:Meditations and Truths From the Field and Real World Clinical Social Work: Find Your Voice and Find Your Way
Hi, Social Workers,
First, let me start by saying Happy New Year! We need a new year.
It’s been a while since I have written, and I wanted to reach out. It’s been a hard year for all of us - I know this so deeply. About a week or two before the holiday break, I started to feel incredibly anxious. My thoughts were racing and I couldn’t sleep. I was obsessing over every clinical decision, which really led to extreme sloppiness. A patient called me out on it. She noticed that I was off, and I finally just cried.
Yes, in session. Yes.
Like the rest of you, I have barely survived 2017, but I have survived. By the end, though, I felt like my brain was broken. It wasn’t broken, but oh my, I have been saturated, vicariously traumatized, and scared. This work, this year, has brought me to my knees. And to be honest with you, I think this is because social work is just plain hard, harder than most. No one says this out loud, but I am saying it, aka writing it.
I think our job is harder. I think the work we do makes us sadder. I think the stories we hold weigh the most. But more than anything, I think we see the ways that many interlocking systems work to disempower our clients as they desperately wade through muddy, treacherous waters. And we know things are not getting any better. As the ground continues to shift under our feet, we have been asked to remain steady. As our days remain exactly as long as they ever have, we are asked to fit in more. As the cost of living and interest on student loans goes up, we are asked to live on the same amount. As we put in endless hours toward higher licensure and pay for supervision, we wait for the states to take their time to respond. As we see horrible cycles of violence continue, we are asked to find the perfect interventions to make change.
My thoughts, fortunately, have slowed some. This slowing, with a few days off, has reminded me of the importance of being in this field with clearer intention and self-protection. I am not trying to bash social work - in fact, it is one of my truest loves. However, unless we are in the field knowing how to preserve ourselves, we won’t be able to move forward intact and purposefully.
I am going to share my ideas for this year. These are not exactly resolutions - more a sharing of myths that I refuse to continue to subscribe to, some goals, and a mantra. Feel free to steal them from me. I would love it if you did!
These are the lies I continue to tell myself, and as I listen to them, I become more and more ineffective at my work:
Big Lies
I can run on empty.
I have concluded that who I am on Monday (refreshed) is not who I am on Thursday (starting to crash). I need to make decisions based on how I will feel on Thursday, assuming that it is very likely that I will be running on empty toward the end of the week, the end of the day, the end of the month. But, I make most decisions based on the fantasy that I will have a full tank. I am going to proceed into this year based on the assumption that I will need recharging, rather than setting myself up for failure by making commitments that will deplete me.
I am the only one who can do it.
I often say yes to things because I seriously don’t believe that anyone else can do it. This is both grandiose and self-destructive. I think it is a tendency that a lot of us share. I also think it is something that reeks of unresolved childhood themes. There is no way that I am the best social worker. I am good enough just like the rest of us are. The more we instill an uneven sense of trust in ourselves versus those around us, the more we end up feeling isolated and alone.
I can keep going this way.
When your body hurts and your mind is racing and you are making horrible food choices and not sleeping, you CAN NOT sustain yourself. Pay attention to yourself - you are the only clinical tool you have, and this tool needs precise and tender care in the form of days off, hours off, long lunch breaks, delays in perfect paperwork, therapy, and supervision. Plants don’t grow without water and oxygen, and social workers cannot thrive under deprivation either.
Goals/Resolutions
Never say yes in the moment.
When someone asks you to do something, ALWAYS think about it before saying yes. Tolerate the chance of disappointing someone to get clear with yourself. Practice saying: “I need to think about it” over and over again.
Moisturize.
I know this sounds crazy, but I notice that when I put moisturizer on in the morning, I use a tiny bit and rush through it. By the time I get to work, I need to moisturize again. I don’t know why I don’t let myself spend more time on it or use it more liberally, but it feels like a strange metaphor for not being able to properly care for myself. This year, I am going to use extra moisturizer. My skin always finds a way to make use of it, and there is always more to buy. Starting the morning from a stance of scarcity versus abundance has an actual impact. Also, feeling that my body is properly hydrated feels like the exact position from which to do this work.
Animals
Dog and Kitten
Animals always have their priorities straight. They love to eat, play, and seek heat. They nap whenever they feel like it and revel in sunlight. Every walk is a revelation. When I am lost, animals feel like a constant revelation. I try to sync my breathing with theirs, using them as a model for pacing and centering. I also try and model the freedom with which they attach, allowing myself to try and seek affection when I need it.
Naps
Nap
Nap when you can - it’s like putting money in the bank. Don’t feel guilty when you nap. You would never feel guilty when putting money in the bank.
When something feels wrong, say no sooner.
I was talking to my partner recently about whether to continue with something that I was having a lot of doubts about. She reflected to me the discomfort that I had been experiencing in relationship to it over the past year. Hearing it, through her, was fascinating to me. Where did all that data go, and why did I lose track of it? As social workers, we are habituated to surviving tremendous discomfort and taking a lot of negativity. This pattern of habituation can do us a real disservice. I am going to try and pay close attention to my tendency to undo my experiences and listen more closely, more often, more quickly.
Cozy pants
When you get home from work, prioritize taking off your work pants and get into cozy pants immediately. Your work is done and it is time to surround yourself with something softer. I have a hierarchy of cozy pants, and sometimes only the very coziest will do. Other times, I can take ones that are a bit less perfect. This is one way that I take my own temperature, an act that we should all be actively engaged in.
Don’t be a slave to email.
For the last year, I have jumped on my email after every session and banged out a series of responses. I sometimes prioritize this before even going to the bathroom. Getting an email IS NOT an emergency and does not warrant an immediate response. In fact, every time someone sends you an email, it is to ask you to do something. It is a way that someone has gotten something off their own plate. You are basically helping someone else to feel relieved by receiving their email at all. Take your time to respond to it. They are enjoying the wait, too, I promise.
Be careful what you internalize.
Any system that we are in is infiltrated by some level of toxicity. This is just the fact of bureaucracies, particularly in America at this moment. This toxicity is not personal and not yours to fix. It is also not your fault. Just remind yourself, always, of the limitations of your role, and perform within them. This is a boundary, and we can only thrive when we honor boundaries.
External validation is hard to come by. Feast on it when it does.
I don’t know why, but positive feedback and reinforcement is hard to come by as a social worker. And when we do get it, we often shake it off. Don’t shake it off - savor it, share it, re-read it or replay it as much as you can. I got a small Facebook messenger note the other day about having saved someone’s life several years ago. I cannot tell you how much I needed this. We all do. Don’t be ashamed of your need for validation, and don’t be ashamed to use it to self-soothe when days are bad.
Guard your own appointments with your life.
I cancelled an appointment with my dermatologist a few months ago and still haven’t been able to reschedule it. Why do our own appointments fall to the bottom of the list when we spend so much time making appointments and reminding our clients of them? We must guard our appointments with our lives. These are the appointments that assure us that we are healthy enough to keep doing this work, and every single one of them matters. When you find yourself cancelling the dentist, stop. Go. You need your teeth and your skin and your cholesterol and your heart strongly beating.
Never engage in self-care that makes you feel bad.
I have no idea why, but yoga makes me feel horrible about myself. I still feel I should be doing it, because it is so ubiquitously respected. But self-care is not about feeling ashamed; it is about finding what works for you and accepting whatever that truth is, fully and unabashedly.
And finally, my mantra for 2018:
Mantra
The system is broken, not me. I am going to keep reminding myself of this simple fact. Social workers are the best part of what is happening in the world right now, often collecting small, leftover tools to do large construction projects. When you feel broken, look around and try and reassess what the real problem is and re-center the truth around the pure goodness of your efforts and intention.
Let’s check in soon.
Danna
Danna R. Bodenheimer, LCSW, is in private practice at Walnut Psychotherapy Center in Philadelphia, PA, and teaches at Bryn Mawr College Graduate School of Social Work and Social Research. She provides more of her clinical perspective and tips for developing clinicians in her books, On Clinical Social Work:Meditations and Truths From the Field and Real World Clinical Social Work: Find Your Voice and Find Your Way.