Facing Myself in a Racist Nation

by Chameli Singh

     After being “encouraged” by my white classmates to no longer remain silent, I decided to move out of my comfort zone and lead a class discussion about racism. The original idea was to create a project based on my personal experiences with racism, since my classmates did not understand why I remained silent. The project became a life changing experience—an opportunity to overcome my fears, to move forward, and no longer look back. But it did not start like this.

    When I started brainstorming ideas for how to approach my classmates with this discussion, I found myself drifting back to my childhood experiences. I felt hurt and angry. I began this class project wanting to teach others what I have to go through every day and prove that racism still exists. Then I realized that I cannot teach other people to overcome racism if I have not faced my own unresolved issues with it. So, I took a good look at myself, starting from the inside, and slowly worked my way outward. I opened up about experiences that I do not like speaking about—not for others to hear, not to convince them that racism still exists, not to persuade them to speak up, but to overcome an obstacle that has held me back from rising above the influences of social inequality in the United States.

    Through the process of researching and reflecting, suppressed emotions arose. I realized that I endured much more microaggression, discrimination, and segregation than I was aware of. These range from people asking me where I bought my hair because they thought it was fake from the store or thinking I spent hours curling it to people saying I have “Michael Jackson Syndrome” because in the summer months, I get extremely dark and in the colder months, my complexion becomes lighter.

    I reflected on all the nicknames people gave me, such as light bright, red, high yella, and light skin because the color of my skin mattered more to them than my given name. I recalled the countless times that I received and still get “the look” of disgust from people not of color who view me as “less than” and unworthy of being in society.

    My reflections took me back to when I came to this country. At the age of 6, I vividly remember being embarrassed by my first grade teacher, Ms. L, a tall woman with beautiful red hair, green eyes, and a fair complexion. She kept correcting me in front of the entire class, telling me I did not pronounce the word “three” properly. She had me placed in ESOL classes to learn to speak properly. What she meant by me speaking “properly” was that I had an accent. Until my accent was gone and I spoke like an American, I would continue to be pulled out of class and segregated from the other students. This segregation continued for three years. During that time, some students would follow what the teachers were doing, making fun of me for the way I pronounced words.

    Thus, the research and personal reflections led to self-discovery and self-awareness, hitting me hard. I was whitewashed. Although I did not know I experienced whitewashing until it hit me during this project, I internalized the way those teachers and students treated me for more than 22 years. I felt humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed, unworthy, silenced, and invisible. I felt like a caged animal that was locked away and left to die. I felt like a novelty that people could observe with humor or contempt, deprived of my rights and freedom to be my natural self. I felt like this is my life. This is how people will always treat me, so I need to remain silent. If I speak up, they will silence me by force.

    Hence, from a young age, I developed a habit of retreating and finding a way to escape the problems of this world. In trying to escape the problems, I drew deeper into them. I became part of the problem instead of part of the solution. I allowed myself to be defined by others. I made poor decisions that ended up in toxic situations, allowed others to use me instead of standing up for myself, and failed to take responsibility for my actions. While I am not responsible for others’ actions, judgments, prejudices, microaggressions, guilt, privilege, power, social dominance, and oppression against me, I am responsible for myself and my own actions.

    By taking responsibility for my own actions and being discerning of the people, places, and things around me, I can live a life that is pleasing—a life that is full of purpose and peace that surpasses all understanding. I can look forward to what is to come, no longer walking (as an old corpse of a body) in fear of how others will define me. I can use wisdom in all situations to make decisions that will lead to the desired outcome. I can face myself in the mirror and see beauty from what was once ashes. I know this beauty has come, not from makeup or my physical features, but because the deep work being done on the inside is shining through on the outside.

    I truly believe that what is on the inside of people, the unresolved issues, prejudices, guilt, shame, power, privilege, microaggressions, judgments, and oppressions will manifest on the outside if they are not acknowledged and processed. By far, the most challenging aspect of the experience was facing myself in the mirror and then coming to terms with those unwanted thoughts and behaviors, to break the cycle of guilt and self-doubt and work toward a renewed sense of self. This journey is a process. It will not happen overnight. As a people, we need to embrace that there is no such thing as “normal.”

    Tuckerman’s five group stages (as cited in Jacobs et al., 2016) can be used as a structure to bridge gaps and break down barriers of racism within groups in the United States. They are:

  1. Formulate a time and place to face oneself and acknowledge biases, emotions, thought process, personal experiences.
  2. Be honest: accept the conflict within oneself and be willing to work through biases, emotions, thoughts, personal experiences.
  3. Make a decision to cooperate with self and others to focus on the goal of breaking down barriers formed by racism on a microlevel.
  4. Commit oneself to be part of the solution to racism and develop skills to deal with others who are not ready to face their biases, emotions, thoughts, personal experience, and/or the facts about racism in the United States.
  5. Work as a team to go into different communities spreading awareness, encouraging others to take action and speak up, sharing real-life experiences, being involved in group dialogues, but most importantly, building trust and establishing relationships with people who do not look like yourself.

    As I went through each stage of groups, I learned the journey starts within myself. What is on the inside will manifest on the outside. I must be willing to do the deep work within myself instead of focusing only on the problems around me. I can try to fix every problem around me, but if I am still broken inside, others will easily see it. I cannot ask others to do what I have not done. Reflecting allowed me to see myself as a person, embrace my personal experiences, redirect my thought process, and be aware of biases that hinder me from moving forward. I went from being part of the problem to becoming part of the solution to racism in the United States.

    Now I know who I am and who defines me. I was created in love to fulfill a plan and walk with purpose. My trials and tribulations do not define me. However, they helped to shape me into the woman I am today, so I can be here today as an example of an overcomer. For too long, I carried these burdens. After searching myself and reflecting on what I gained from this experience, I count every trial and tribulation as joy. Even if others will not speak up, I will. And I will speak my truth on behalf of others who have been silenced by force, fear, shame, guilt, microaggressions, discrimination, segregation, and slavery.

    Now it is time for me to look up to what lies ahead, to have endurance, to persevere, to keep my eyes on the prize. It is time to stand strong on the rock of faith and walk in the purpose I was predestined for. No longer will I allow people to trample over me and belittle me. No longer will I seek the approval of others. No longer will I allow others to call me anything other than my given name. No longer will I be moved by the storms of life. No longer will I remain silent and think my vote does not count. I have a voice, a voice that needs to be heard, and a story that only I can tell.

    Today, I come before you, no longer that little girl who cried in sorrow every day, but as a beautiful woman of color paving the way to empowerment and strength that I attained only by God’s grace.

Reference

Jacobs, E. E., Schimmel, C. J., Masson, R. L., & Harvill, R. L. (2016). Group counseling: strategies and skills (8th ed.). Cengage Learning.

Resource

The Holy Bible App: Amplified Version [AMP].

My name is Chameli Singh. I was once walking in darkness and left for dead. Now, I am a child of God in the house of Thy Kingdom Come Ministries where Prophet Richard Balcon opened my eyes to the heart of God and revealed my purpose upon the earth. Currently, I attend Florida Atlantic University pursuing a Bachelor of Social Work. All my life, I was destined for failure until I discovered my Father predestined me for greatness.